These words were given to us in the year 70 EIV.
PART 1: THE FIRST COMING
Joe Pesci came for the first time in 101,234 DI. Imbued in Him was a piece of the eternal Soul of the Lord Almighty. Because of this, Pesci was stronger, faster, and more intelligent than any other human, especially because at this time, humans were filthy, flea-ridden, ape-like creatures who spoke in little more than grunts. Joe Pesci arrived in what is now northern Kenya. He noticed that the people there lacked the defining characteristics of the Lord their God who had created them, such as his great intelligence and power. Joe Pesci knew what to do, and as He still is today, He was good at getting things done. He stood before the masses, looked upon them, and smiled His holy smile. Upon viewing that sacred smile, all of the slow-witted, neanderthal-like beings instantaneously evolved into Cro-magnons and would continue to evolve ever after, until they began to look more like the Lord’s mortal incarnation.
Joe Pesci decided that he would give a great gift to the primitive people, one that would serve them well for all of eternity and speed the evolution he had set in motion. At first, He had trouble thinking of a gift that would be big enough to give to an entire race, but then he looked up into the sky at His Holy Father’s eye and he knew exactly what to give. He flew up to the sun and took fires from within its very core. Then He flew back down to earth and put the fires into a jar. He found a noble and honest man whose name was Yog and gave him the jar of Holy Fire.
“May this fire remind you of your Creator, who is The Sun. You can use it to cook food, light your way at night, keep you warm, smelt metal, and many other things. But one most virtuous thing that may be done with this gift is burning marshmallows. Marshmallows are the scum of the earth; they are better put to use as fuel for a fire than as fuel for your body. Though you have only the vaguest semblance of a language and can understand almost nothing of what I’m saying, not to mention that marshmallows won’t exist for tens of thousands of years, I have a feeling that some day my advice will be heeded.”
“So long, noble caveman,” Joe Pesci said as He departed.
Many thousands of years later, Pesci decided to give another gift to humans, the gift of agriculture. He taught them how to raise crops and use their seeds to plant more crops, and thus began the Neolithic Revolution. The people praised Pesci with all of their hearts.
Around that same time, the demonspawn known as Felp decided to give humans a “gift” as well. He decided to implant within each human soul an irresistible urge to kill one another. And so the world was thrown into chaos. Within weeks, 95% of the population was dead. It was then that Joe Pesci arrived. He fought Felp’s black magic with his own white magic, and it seemed that humans were moral beings once again.
However, not all of Felp’s detestable spell had worn off. One human named Horace approached Pesci and said, “Why have you done this? When I had an insatiable desire to kill people, I was wealthy! I plundered their goods!”
“How do you think they felt about it though?”
“They can’t feel s***! They’re dead!”
“How do you think families who lost loved ones felt?”
“I don’t give a f***! It’s all about me, me, me!!!”
It was then that Pesci realized what a detestable species humans had become. He decided to wipe them out and start the species anew. He began by drawing his sword and slicing Horace’s head off with one fell swoop. Horace then went to the Underworld to drown forever. Then Pesci went to a nearby village where the only remaining humans were and burned it to the ground. Then He called upon His Father to create two new humans, a male and a female, and He did. He called them Joe and Sarah. However, it turned out there was still one unclean human, named Jeremiah, who ran up behind Pesci and clubbed him on the head, crushing his skull and killing him instantly. Thus Pesci ascended into the Overworld for the first time.
Then Joe picked up a stick and threw it at Jeremiah. It hit him right between the eyes and penetrated his skull, coming out the back of his head. Blood gushed everywhere and Jeremiah screamed in agony. He ended up drowning in his own blood. Then the Lord smote his carcass and he was sent to the Underworld to drown forever. Thus Joe and Sarah rebuilt the human species into what it is today. However, a little bit of evil had rubbed off of Jeremiah onto Joe and Sarah when they looked into his burning eyes, and from that day forth, the human species was fraught with slight imperfection.
PART 2: CROSBY
Jonah Jonahson Crosby Junior was born in the city of rocks in 447 BCE to a family of blaspheming merchants who came from Alam. They named him Jonah after his blaspheming father, who himself was named after a blaspheming pagan god, Jonah, the self-proclaimed God of Plain n’ Honestness. However, he would be more accurately described as the God of Utter Blasphemy. Jonah’s family taught him their scandalous trade of buying things from people and then selling them to other people for more money, a blatant violation of the Second Commandment.
After making his fortune buying the precious minerals found in and around the city of rocks from prospectors and then selling them to wealthy Danites and Alamites, Jonah retired and bought a magnificent mansion in Plaser, along the Great River. One day, he was exploring in his backyard and came across several wild mushrooms. He picked them and then made them into a stew. Whilst he was eating it, he began to see things he had never seen before. He saw a blaspheming man in a white robe, with a long grey beard and a bald head. “Jonah,” he said, “I am God Almighty, the God of Pain, and you are my mortal incarnation!”
Jonah then went on to spread the blasphemy which he believed to be true, though he knew in his heart it was not. He converted all of the Plaserites to Crosbianity, and then went on to spread his blasphemous message to Dan, the city of rocks, and Alam. By 415 BCE, the four cities were each 100% Crosbian. Then he spread his horrid message to the Ten Accursed Tribes and many other soiceties throughout what is now Northern California, converting the entire region by 410 BCE. Crosby then attempted to teach morals to the filthy blaspheming animals who followed him, spewing garbage like “love thy neighbor” and “forgive thine enemies.” Of course, being disgusting, flea-ridden subhumans, his followers nonetheless continued to kill each other for petty reasons.
Then, one day, in 393 BCE, Jonah was visiting his hometown the city of rocks. Whilst sitting on a rock enjoying his morning coffee, he noticed a man with a stick chasing a woman. He decided to help her. Just as he was running at them, the man caught the woman and was about to gouge her eyes out, but then he turned and stabbed Jonah in the chest with his stick, impaling his heart. He did the same to the woman. Then he asked them, “What god do you pray to?”
“I pray to the God of Pain, Whose Son is Jonah Crosby,” said the woman.
Jonah smiled and said, “I don’t pray to any god, I--”
Before Jonah could explain that he was God, the man let out a furious roar. “Nooooo!” he yelled. “The Lord shall surely punish me for this!” As the man ran away, Jonah looked over at the woman, who was already dead. His heart stopped and he was apparently deceased, but then a random bystander came over and started performing CPR. He then sewed up Jonah’s heart and he survived. Fearing for his life, Jonah returned to Plaser and never vacationed again.
Three years later, Jonah heard that a group of people who called themselves Pescists, apparently led by the man who had killed him, George Carlin, had converted Dan and the city of rocks and were on a rampage, wreaking havoc throughout the valley. In 386 BCE, they invaded Plaser. Carlin and his associates, Lawrence, Randall, and Timothy, were ransacking the city. Apparently they had found out that Jonah was in the city, and so Lawrence and ten soldiers went to burn down his house. The house was destroyed in a fiery inferno, but Jonah escaped. Lawrence recruited ninety more men and they chased Jonah down with torches and spears. An old man at this point, they easily caught up with him, and he was captured in the woods to the north of Plaser. Once he was in their custody, the soldiers speared him in the stomach seventeen times. They then took him to the central square of Plaser, now a smoldering heap of rubble, and burned him at the stake. Thus Jonah Jonahson Crosby Junior died at the age of sixty-one in 386 BCE. He drowned in the Lord’s dreadful abyss for many years, but was then transferred to His Fiery Eye when Gary the Blasphemer provoked him into using it as a place of endless torment. For his many unforgivable, detestable sins, he is now roasting in eternal hellfire, writhing in unmitigated, intolerable, excruciating agony.