In the mean time, here is a beautiful and enlightening preview of part three of the Word of God.
PREVIEW: PART 2, VICTUAL LAW
The Lord thy God and His Holy Prophets hath declared, implicitly and explicitly, guidelines which all devout and practiced Pescists must follow in regards to food, lest they wish to face an eternity in His fiery Eye. Here lies an conglomeration of all laws legislated hitherto by the Lord Himself, God Almighty.
When thou slayest an animal, thou shalt recite the following, “In the name of God, and Joe Pesci, Who is His Son, I now must slay you so as to feed myself and those around me, so that we may live long and happy lives full of good and righteous deeds so that we may enter into the Overworld and bask in His warm Light for all eternity.” Since the animal is not a Pescist, you now may kill it. However, since animals are incapable of even comprehending the impeccable Truth that is Pescism, you must show them mercy. Strike the animal’s head clean off with one blow, and see to it that all of its nutritious flesh is consumed, and that none is laid to waste. Before eating the meat, you must cleanse it with only the finest of wines, so as to rid it of uncleanliness. Until the Lord’s nectar touches an animal’s flesh, it is wholly unsuitable for eating, and to do so is a horrendous sin. He who eats the flesh of a dirty animal must be put to death. You must stone him and his entire family with stones. If you see that a member of your family is breaking this Commandment of the Lord Almighty, you must execute all members of your kin, and then yourself, lest you wish to burn and suffer and choke and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. Additionally, make sure that all meat you buy was prepared in the same fashion, blessed with the aforementioned prayer and soaked in wine.
Thou shalt not eat fermented milk in any form, for it is an abomination. To warn ye of its horrors, the Lord hath named this product with the most despicable of names, that is, yogurt. Why, it sounds like it’s coming up again! Never shalt thou eat anything with both the letter y and the letter g in its name.
Thou shalt not eat any plant of the genus cucurbita, for they are all repulsive abominations against the Lord. As with fermented milk, the Lord hath given cucurbita a fittingly atrocious name, that is, squash. If anyone ever asks you if you would like to consume squash, thou shalt recite the following: “Shit, no! It sounds like somebody sat on my dinner!” Then you must stone them and their entire family to death. Then you must burn the squash in the center of your town. The next morning, have all your fellow Pescists piss on the ashes, then bury them and dance upon the plant’s filthy, sinful grave.
Thou shalt not eat maize and beans at the same time, for together they form a despicable food known as succotash, which is riddled with evil spirits who will haunt you, tempt you, and try to pull you from the path of the Lord so that you will join them in Hell with their wicked master, the scum of the earth, Felp himself.
Thou shalt not eat the despicable part of a wheat kernel know as wheat germ on its own, for it too is plagued by the children of Felp. When the entire kernel is eaten, however, the divine spirits in the other parts shall smite the children into oblivion.
Thou shalt not eat the despicable food known as eggplant, for, like the indecisive nincompoop Diego who refused to vote in the case of Hayes v. Lefay, leaving the Council in deadlock, it just can’t make up its goddamn mind. Which are you, eggplant? Are you an ovum? Does an embryo lie within you? Are you a plant? Do you come from the kingdom plantae? Any eggplant encountered must be smitten, as Diego was smitten in the Fifth Chapter of Law and Reform.
Thou shalt not eat the deplorable product know as head cheese, for not only is it a travesty of itself, being meat, and not cheese, but it is obscenely hearty -- as in highly causal of heart attacks, due to its preposterously high fat and cholesterol content. Whenever you encounter this horrid food, you shall burn it at the stake. The next morning, you shall piss on the ashes, and if you touched it with your skin, you must bathe in a wooden tub of wine, to wash the evil spirits from your flesh.
When you encounter this food mixed with blood, known to many as blood tongue, it is an even more detestable abomination against the Lord. You shall do the same as you would do to head cheese, but each step must be executed twice. You shall first burn it at the stake twice. Then you shall piss on the ashes twice. Finally, you shall take two baths in a wooden tub of wine.
Since consumption of victuals is a serious practice, you shall not eat foods with excessively humorous names. There are many of these blasphemous foods, the most atrocious of which is the heinous crime-against-humanity of a dip known as guacamole. In the words of our prophet, “It sounds like something you’d wear to a dance! ‘May I borrow your green Guacamole?’”
Next come the filthy beans known as… garbanzos. What is this?!! Some kind of circus act or something? ‘And now…. THE FLYING GARBANZOS!!!’ These absurd legumes are never to be eaten, for they are truly the scum of the earth and the bain of any good Pescist’s existence. In addition to their ridiculous name, they bear also a more blasphemous name. This, of course, is the title chickpea. Like ‘eggplant,’ the name ‘chickpea,’ shows the garbanzo for what it truly is: another indecisive food which must be smitten with a sword of fine steel.
The final funny food that Our Prophet George Carlin has forbade is the kumquat. This ridiculous citrus is not worthy of consumption. If ever you see a kumquat tree, or even one kumquat, or even one single kumquat seed, you must burn everything within ten miles of the heretical food to the ground leaving nothing but ashes, stone, and metal behind. When this is done, you must bomb the entire area and drop napalm on it to ensure that no living thing is left behind. Then you must lace the area with mines to prevent anything from retrieving the remains of the unholy kumquat. Finally, you must wash your eyes out with cooking alcohol and then with water.
If any other food appears to you to be too silly to consume, thou shalt surely not eat it and instead burn it and piss on the ashes.
Only two more categories of forbidden foods remain. The first is the type of food served in disgusting quantities to soldiers in dirty cafeterias. These foods are forbidden because quite often they are hideous abominations such as rat’s asshole disguised as respectable foods like fondue. Some other foods that fit into this category are sautéed raccoon’s asshole on a stick and fried roadkill on a stick. In general, it is unwise to eat anything fried on a stick, of the sort that you buy at fairs. These foods are often blasphemous ones in disguise, and always exceedingly hearty, as in causal of heart attacks due to high cholesterol and fat content.
The final category of forbidden foods is foods that simply, in the words of Our Prophet, “don’t look right.” George Carlin told us that this revelation came to him in a dream. That dream was sent to him by The Sun Himself. There are many foods that don’t look right, the least of which is the tomato. On the outside, tomatoes look wholesome and good, but like Felp in Chapter One of Crime in The Truth, their beautiful skins hide a disgusting truth, for on the inside of a tomato lies something that is just not right.
Similar to the paradox of the tomato, the egg occasional hides something more than a yolk and a white. Sometimes, lurking just under that white calcium surface, the end of an egg, and the beginning of a chicken, is just waiting to be broken into an unsuspecting pan. If the beginning of a chicken is accidentally broken into a hot pan, the pan must be broken in half and buried at the bottom of a fifteen foot deep hole full of hydrochloric acid. Then the egg must be burned and pissed on, and the ashes must be thrown into the hydrochloric acid. Then the hole should be covered up and the surrounding ten miles should be burned, bombed, napalmed, and laced with mines.
Another food that doesn’t look right and therefore should be avoided is any animal of the class Malacostraca. The most common of these are the lobster and the crab. In the words of Our Prophet, “Something else that doesn't look like food… lobsters and crabs! I mean, anything coming at me, walking sideways, with big pincers, somehow doesn't make me hungry! In fact, my instinct is... ‘Step on that fuck!’”
One last forbidden consumable remains; it is the utterly blasphemous and obscene atrocity, the magnanimous crime against humanity, the marshmallow. In the second chapter of the Latter Book, Our Lord Joe Pesci said unto the caveman Yog, “May this fire remind you of your Creator, who is The Sun. You shall use it to cook food, light your way at night, keep you warm, smelt metal, and do many other things. But one of the most virtuous things that may be done with this gift is burning marshmallows. Marshmallows are the scum of the earth; they are better put to use as fuel for a fire than as fuel for your body.” Therefore, thou shalt not eat marshmallows, lest thou wishest to burn in the Lord’s Fiery Eye for all eternity.
Some foods are a blessing to eat. The consumption of these foods shall not be mandatory, but the righteous man mandates their consumption for himself.
The first, most righteous food and representation of Our Lord Joe Pesci, is the fish. The fish is in many cultures named after Our Lord, and it is known that fish worship The Sun and pray to His Son. Though the killing of a fish is perhaps slightly blasphemous, the subsequent consumption of its flesh more than balances this. The Lord smiles down from the Overworld upon those who eat fish, and they quite often ascend to join Him in His heavenly kingdom.
One other thing, though not a food, that is blessed in the eyes of the Lord is wine. Wine was, of course, invented by a plain and honest Pescist man named Hans van Gregory in the year