PART 1: CREATION
The world began as a vast Abyss filled with essences of cold and heat which raged against each other amidst the vastness. Since the beginning of time, the cold essences had been trying to overpower the hot essences and the hot had been trying to do the same to the cold. Neither had made much headway until finally the cold was conquered by the heat, which then ascended to divinity and proclaimed itself The Sun. The cold accepted its defeat graciously and became The Sea. The wreckage left from their eternal duel became the universe. The Sun decided that He needed a place from which to watch time play out, so He created the Overworld. Then He created the Underworld for The Sea to live in, and put the universe, or the Middleworld, between them. To connect all three He made the Span River.
The Sun was unhappy, for no matter how he scoured Middleworld for signs of life, He searched in vain. After He had convinced Himself that there was truly none, He decided to create one special planet in Middleworld that would bear life. First, He took a turtle from The Sea and put soil on it. Then, He took some water from The Sea, some fire from Himself, and some mud from the bank of His River, and mixed them together in a wooden bowl. The mixture became a stew of pure life energy. The Sun poured it onto the shell of the turtle He had taken from The Sea. He named the turtle Earth. Then, The Sun went into a deep sleep. As the millennia passed, the viruses evolved into higher life forms such as trees and humans.
After a long time, The Sun woke up and looked out at the Earth. He saw that the life He had created had grown and become diverse. The chief species which had dominated all the others and become sentient was humanity. But they did not worship their creator or even know of His existence, so He decided to make the humans He had created a symbol to remember Him by, and a teacher to guide them in his ways. So He took His left eye out of his face and put it in the sky for all of His creations to see. The Sea wanted to be known by the people too, so The Sun took a round white stone from Her and put it on the opposite side of the sky. Then He made it so that Earth would rotate between Overworld and Underworld and the two symbols would rotate around the Earth. Then, The Sun chose a human child and imbued it with a piece of His own soul. The special human was called Joe Pesci. His job was to guide the other humans toward the glory of The Sun and teach them how they could ascend into Overworld with Him.
After some time, The Sun saw that the people were disbelieving and dismissive of Pescism, so he saw that he had to do something more to convince them. So he searched far and wide for a dedicated Pescist who was reputable among the humans and worthy of receiving prophethood from The Sun Himself. Eventually He found George Carlin. He called him to come and meet Him on the top of Mount Diablo, and then He sent him all of his wisdom and the Three Commandments, which are as follows:
1. Thou shalt try very hard not to kill anyone unless they worship a different invisible Man.
2. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful.
3. Thou shalt worship The Sun, but pray to Joe Pesci because it’s not polite to presume on a friendship with the Deity.
And so George Carlin descended from Mount Diablo to the great valley below.
PART 2: CARLIN
On his way down, George Carlin encountered a city that was made entirely of rocks, none of which seemed to have any practical purpose, but nonetheless it was filled with people. George Carlin confronted one of them and said, “Take me to your leader!” The man refused, and George Carlin was going to gouge his eyes out, peel the skin off of his body, and then stab him to death, but then he remembered the Three Commandments. He asked the man, “What god do you pray to?”
The man replied, “I pray to the God of pain, whose son is Jonah Crosby.”
And so George Carlin gouged his eyes out, peeled the skin off of his body, and stabbed him to death, all with a stick he had found while walking down the mountain. He could tell that the Lord was with him, for rarely can a stick accomplish such feats.
George Carlin slept beneath an oak tree. That night, the Lord came to him in a dream. He said to him, “When you awake, find the city’s leader. He too prays to the God of Abraham, who does not exist and is thus incapable of having a son, so you may kill him. Then, take his sword. If you accomplish this, your name will be changed to just Carlin, and the sword will be renamed Gladius Carlinus. The man’s name is Robert, and his sword is currently called Gladius Robertus.” And then George Carlin awoke.
George Carlin walked through the city, and he came upon a woman. He told her, “Take me to your leader, Robert, or I will gouge your eyes out, peel your skin off, and stab you to death.” The woman ran away screaming. George Carlin chased her throughout the city for two hours. Eventually he caught her, and just as he was about to remove her eyes with his stick, a man arrived, running to the rescue. He ran at the two of them, but before he could do anything, George Carlin stabbed him in the chest. Then he stabbed the woman, and they both died. As the people were taking their last breaths, George Carlin remembered the Three Commandments. He asked them, “What god do you pray to?” The woman said she prayed to the God of Abraham, but the man said he didn’t pray to any god. Carlin realized that he had broken the will of the Lord, for the man did not pray to a different invisible man, but rather, no invisible man at all.
George Carlin begged the Lord for forgiveness. The Lord said, “You were right to kill him, for no invisible man is a different invisible man. Now, go find Robert and do My will.”
And George Carlin obeyed the Lord. This time he tried a less hostile approach. He confronted a little boy and asked him, “Can you please take me to your leader?” The boy complied. He led him up a hill and to a small brown building. The boy said that his leader was behind the door in the back, and then he left. George Carlin opened the door, and there he was. The man was of short stature. He wore a fez atop his head, and had a long, flowing beard that was twisted and tied with a piece of cloth at the bottom. His nose was like that of a pig, and he had a syringe protruding from his head.
“What do you want?” he asked.
George Carlin said nothing. He threw his stick at the man and it impaled him to the wall. He died instantly. George Carlin bathed in his blood and took his sword, which was lying in the corner. Then the Lord said, “You have done my will, and as promised, you will now be called Carlin, and your sword shall be called Gladius Carlinus. Now, go to the city and preach my three commandments. The people have one day to convert to Pescism. All those who do not will be hanged, and will be left there to serve as a warning. Now go. And when the day is done, and the infidels are hanged, descend from the mountain and spread my word across the land."
And so Carlin went into the city and preached the word of the Lord. After one day, 700 of the city’s 1,000 people had accepted the truth of Pescism. The remaining 300 were hanged, as the Lord had willed. The city was burned to the ground and abandoned, never to be rebuilt.
And then, as the Lord had willed, Carlin and his army descended from the mountain into the great valley below. They discovered a city called Dan, named after its ruler. They noticed that the people were worshipping the God of Abraham and cheating on their spouses, violating two of the Three Commandments. Carlin and his army traveled to the town square and said, “Your sins against the Lord will soon destroy you; you will drown forever in His Abyss unless you repent now!”
Daniel, the ruler, a man of forty years, just so happened to be there that day, and he said, “You are mistaken my friend. You will burn in hell for all eternity unless you repent against the God of Abraham, who IS your God.”
“No, my friend. You are mistaken,” said Carlin. “Our God is The Sun, and it is clear that The Sun exists, whereas your god has no evidence to prove his existence. Nobody can disprove that The Sun is God, and because nobody can disprove that he is God, he is God.”
Carlin’s logic was sharp as a tack. Daniel couldn’t think of any way in which to refute his infallible logic, because none existed. Carlin then established a triumvirate, the three leaders being himself, Daniel, and a man named Michael, who was the first person in the city of rocks to convert to Pescism. They then established Pescism as the state religion.
At this time the city of Daniel had a population of about 15,000. 5,000 of these were soldiers, as it was a very militaristic society. The legal system was very extensive, despite only running on three overarching principles, that is, the Three Commandments. Worship of the Lord was mandatory, but people did it in their own homes. There was no special place where they gathered once a week to compare clothing. Since the entire populace was required to be Pescist, murder was illegal, but the death penalty was practiced extensively against apostates.
After about a year, the apostates who had not been brought to justice formed an organized crime network. They told lies, killed Crosbians and Pescists alike, and worshipped Jonah Crosby. A proposal was brought before the triumvirate to open a coliseum and in it, to feed anyone suspected of association with this wretched society to lions. It was passed by a two to one vote, with Michael voting against it. To explain his vote, Michael said, "This draconian measure assumes that the people are the enemy. Carlin and Daniel should be ashamed of themselves."
Another proposal was then passed, by a two to one vote, which exiled Michael for life. They wanted to execute him, but since he was a devout Pescist, to do so would violate the laws of the Lord. Michael traveled to the nearest state. It was called Alam. It had a system of government in which everybody had an equal say in everything. It seemed radical to him.
Meanwhile, Dan had become a duumvirate, in which it was difficult to settle any issues to which one ruler was opposed and the other in favor of. Carlin was troubled, and so he consulted the Lord. The Lord said, "Your very system of government is utter blasphemy. Decisions shall not be made by mortals, but by my judgment. Let me decide the validity of each proposal." And so Carlin obeyed the word of the Lord, and all the Laws of Dan were made directly by divine judgment. Then the Lord commanded that Dan’s borders be expanded and that the truth of Pescism be spread through the land. And so the Danites invaded Alam. They killed everyone in the city, and burned it to the ground. Then they built a city on top of it. They tried to kill Michael, but the Lord stopped them. He also demanded that Michael's exile be brought to an abrupt end because Michael was a devout and practiced Pescist.
PART 3: NEW LAW
Three months after the establishment of Pescism, Carlin distributed a fresh list of rules that the Lord had given to him in a dream. The new list was called the New Law, and it mostly had to do with rituals of transition. The first ritual it described was that of birth and coming into the world. All Pescist children born after the New Law must comply with the birth law. When a child is born, the law said, it must be named within one month. The parents must tell everyone they know what the child’s name is and then a celebration of the child and of the mother must be held among the extended family. In this celebration, the family all recites the following whilst bending their knees and bowing their heads toward the mother and child:
“That your child has a happy life and prospers and has children of his/her own.”
Then the child shall be consecrated with clean water and vowed into Pescism by the parents.
Carlin proclaimed that the Lord’s will was for each man, woman, and child who did not want to drown forever in His Abyss, even those who had already declared allegiance to Him should go through a special ritual. The ritual was called a Sempe. Michael and Daniel were both already devout and practiced, but even they had to go through Sempes. They reported to Carlin. Carlin told them that in order to have their Sempes, they must each pass through a training period of one month in which they would choose a small item to carry with them at all times, even when asleep or in the shower. Then they would be ready to do the final rite and become true Pescists. So Daniel and Michael each chose a totem, after several hours of careful thought. Daniel chose a piece of granite and Michael chose a short, sturdy twig. They each carried these with them for a period of one month, as instructed by the Lord, as did everyone else in Carlin’s following. When the period of one month was over, and Michael and Daniel had both done the proper training, they went to Carlin and told him that they were ready to do the final rite and become true Pescists. Carlin looked deep into each man’s eyes and saw that they had done well and righteously the first part of their Sempes and took them each into a separate room and poured a bit of clean water on each of their heads. Each of them then took a new name which they would use only in the context of Pescism. Daniel became Randall and Michael became Lawrence. Carlin performed such a ritual on every man, woman, and child who wanted, just as the Lord had commanded him. All who did not want the ritual were executed the following morning. All children after would have a Sempe at age 12. Every Pescist kept his totem for the rest of his life, but after the first half of his or her Sempe, was not commanded to always keep it near him or her. When the Pescist died, it was buried with his or her body, and if it was ever lost, or destroyed the Pescist must go through another Sempe.
The third and final ritual revealed by Carlin was that of death. When a Pescist dies, thou shalt commit them unto Middleworld, which is The Sun’s creation, by burying or burning their body so that the Pescist can go to the Overworld if they were a good Pescist. The Pescist must be committed to Middleworld naked other than a cloth to cover their body and a casket. The Pescist must be sent off with the item from their Sempe, or they will not pass into the Overworld. The New Law also told of what happens after one’s death. If in life one was a devout and practiced Pescist who did their best to follow Carlin’s Three Commandments and New Law, then in death one would ascend to the Overworld and bathe forever in the warm radiance of The Sun. If in life one had not found Pesci, or did not follow the Three Commandments or the New Law whatsoever, then one would fall into the Abyss which exists outside of our world, in which The Sea lives, and The Sea would punish you forever by smothering you with Her waters. If you die before you have a chance to know of Pesci and The Sun, you will be sent either to the Overworld, if you acted rightly in life, or to the Abyss if you were not righteous. These were the words of Carlin’s New Law, which he brought to us three months after the establishment of Pescism in Diablo Valley.